5 Things to Try if You Feel Anxious

Breathe. You can get through this.

First off, feeling anxious is something that everyone will experience at some point in their life and is way more common than you may think.

For some people it’ll be anxiety around things like exams, starting a new job or taking your driving test. For others it can be more of an ongoing issue that can affect you more deeply. It’s important to remember that whatever is going on behind the scenes, it’s just your body’s way of dealing with anything it feels is stressful.

Basically, what we’re saying is please don’t ever feel like you’re a weirdo for feeling anxious. It’s totally natural and the good thing is there are lots of resources out there that can help you. Youtube videos, podcasts, articles to read and heck, even loads of tik tocks about dealing with anxiety- understanding your anxiety is going to play a big part in how you deal with it.

However before you get your anxiety study cap on check out some easy tips we’ve picked up that you might find useful right now!

Remember, these are just suggestions so tailor them to your needs, talk through them with your family or friends and figure out what works for you!

Anxiety can be one real tough son of a gun, but you are 100% tougher!

Take Care of YOU

When we say take care of yourself, it might seem a bit boring or obvious but we mean things like eating good, getting a decent amount of quality rest and doing some daily exercise! Anxiety can have a really physical effect on your body, so make sure you’re taking care of your body as best you can. If you’re doing that then you’re giving yourself the best possible chance at getting through your anxious patches.

We hear a lot that sleep can be a struggle, so a little while ago we put together this cracking blog post on getting a good night’s sleep to help you out- give it a read! Decent sleep is going to help you feel rested and energised. Fuelling yourself with good food is going to keep you physically healthy (when we say good we mean fruit and vegetables and balanced meals- i WISH we meant crisps and pizza!)

And make sure you’re getting your heart rate up and releasing those endorphins through physical exercise! Basically, show yourself some care.

Connect With People

The old saying of a problem shared is a problem halved is pretty spot on! Every time there’s something on your mind that’s making you anxious, talk it through with someone you trust. Even if they don’t have all the answers, it can be helpful to just vent and get things off your chest. By telling someone about your worries you’re making them seem less scary, and talking them through can help you make sense of them. If you’re not sure what is setting you off, just having a chat and a laugh with a pal can make you feel lighter too.

If you can’t talk to anyone about what’s going on in your life, then there’s always helplines there for you, run by professionals who are trained to support you. If speaking on the phone seems a bit scary (we get you, we hate it too!) then there’s lots of helplines linked on our site. There’s some you can message or email instead! Phew!

Please know that if you’re really struggling with anxiety and it’s affecting your life in a big way, it might be a good shout to let a family member or friend know. Check in with your GP too.

Sometimes it’s hard to just start the conversation right?! We’ve linked a blog post here that we wrote with tips about telling someone that you self-harm but it’s also pretty relevant to telling someone you’re feeling anxious.

Become A Relaxation Master!

When you feel anxious your body and mind are in a tense and heightened state of panic. So trying to relax can be really difficult! The more you do to make yourself feel safe and calm, the more you’re going to help yourself. Think about what chills you out the most. This could be wrapping yourself in a blanket or some cosy clothing (check out our super soft fleece hoodies!), treating yourself to a bath with some candles, or having a cuddle on the sofa with your cat or dog! Maybe it’s doing some breathing exercises or some yoga/ meditation! It might even be just going to bed and keeping yourself safe.

Music is a good tool for helping you switch off- check out this super chilled playlist we put together a little while back! Or make a playlist of songs that help you relax!

Focus On The Good Stuff

Sometimes you just need to be distracted when you’re anxious, so we recommend you sit down and write a quick list of some good stuff you’ve got going on. This could be cool stuff you have to look forward to or a list of things you enjoy doing. It could even be your top 5 bands or books right now! Taking your mind off the negative feelings you’re dealing with can help you start looking for the positives and change your thinking.

Practice gratitude by thinking of three things that you’re grateful for. Have a chat with your funniest, most positive pal and let their energy rub off on you! Tell yourself something you’re proud of you for getting through each day. Even if it’s just “I’m proud that I made it through today!” Be mindful of what you are capable of and far you’ve come.

Just Breathe and Get Through This

Yeah yeah, you’re breathing all the time right?! But in those tense moments take a slow deep breath if you can and imagine your stress leaving your body. This is a good mini way to try and balance yourself in tough times. You could even get cosy and wrap yourself up in a blanket. Try doing some breathing techniques at the same time! Bonus anxiety busting vibes!

If you’re around something that stresses you out, move away from it if you can. If your instinct is telling you to leave then that’s OK. If you can, get somewhere where you can calm yourself down. Go outside if you can and pinpoint 5 things you can see, 4 things you can touch, 3 things you can hear, 2 things you can smell and 1 thing you can taste. This technique is called grounding 54321 and is a quick way to focus yourself and distract you from any spiralling thoughts.

When I’m feeling anxious I always tell myself that this is the eye of the storm. Things WILL get better. I’ve got through worse before and these feelings will pass. I find it really comforting and it helps me know that there’s an end in sight. I just have to get through the next minute. And if i survive that maybe I’ll get through the next.

If you’d like to hear more from us about dealing with anxiety then check out this helpful little number about managing stress.

We acknowledge how tough dealing with anxious feelings can be and we hear you. We want you to know that you have more power over your thoughts than you think. Start small with some of these little suggestions and figure out what works for you. Then hopefully tackling the tough times will be a little more manageable, and you’ll feel a little better. 🙂

5 Things to Try if You Feel Angry

If you feel angry, that’s ok.

Anger is one of those funny emotions that is perfectly natural. But in the modern world, getting angry is almost.. frowned upon. We need ways to express our anger, and get it off our chests. But we need to do it in a healthy, productive way that isn’t going to end up hurting the people around us, or ourselves.

At HATW, that’s our jam. We’re all about helping you find things that can work for you when you’re feeling low. It’s important to have a bunch of ideas for different emotions. Because what works if you’re feeling angry won’t necessarily help if you’re feeling scared (it might well do! But it’s better to be prepared!).

So we’ve compiled a list of 5 things to try if you feel angry:

Collage

This is one of the first coping techniques that we found from talking to people in the early days of HATW. Check out Becky’s story to read all about it. But the upshot is: grab a bunch of magazines, papers, etc and just rip them all up. Big bits, small bits, straight lines or all over the place. Just this act of ripping up paper is a great way to get out those feelings of anger. Then, once you’ve got all your ripped up bits, turn them into something beautiful. This is our favourite form of art, cuz it doesn’t matter if you’re good at drawing or painting. Literally anyone can do this!

We also do these in our school workshops – find out more about our workshops here!

If you feel angry; rip up paper & turn it into a collage — You can write positive reminders to yourself on your collages

Exercise

I feel like exercise is one of those coping techniques that we’re all aware of, but that most of us would rather do anything else. If you ever saw me in PE in school, then you’ll know what I mean. But the good news is: exercise can take many forms.

One thing I notice when I get triggered, is that.. energy. I sometimes start to shake cuz that energy needs to go SOMEWHERE. So doing something physically active – be that running, lifting weights, or even punching a pillow – might be helpful if you feel angry.

Find out more about why exercise is flippin’ great in this video about physical resilience.

If you wanna see more videos from us; make sure you subscribe to our YouTube channel!

Drums

Ok, this is maybe not the most practical one, but it’s kinda how the HATW story started! One of our founders, Si, found that drumming helped deal with those feelings of anger & frustration that were leading him to self-harm. If you have the chance, take it out on a drum kit rather than yourself if you feel angry. It has the added benefit of keeping your brain busy by doing different things with your arms and legs.

And hey, even if you don’t have a drum kit, you can still tap out some simple patterns with your hands. Just on a surface like a table, pretend you’re doing a drum roll for a big announcement, but make it as fast and as long as you can!

Check out Si’s story to find out more about how drumming helped him.

Full disclaimer: it’s Si writing this, and it feels weird writing in 3rd person.

If you’re thinking of thrashing a kit, you’ll need some sticks! Luckily, HATW’s got you covered!

If you feel angry, use these drum sticks to thrash away those negative emotions! — Drum sticks that remind you to stick with it. See what we did there?

Scream into a pillow

What’s one of the most natural reactions if you’re feeling angry? Screaming and shouting! Sometimes you can literally feel it bubbling up inside you and it feels like it just HAS to come out. It’s one of the reasons I fell in love with heavy music tbh! We made a playlist of ace shout-y music, but with a positive message. Check it out below!

Unfortunately. One of the side effects is that we often end up shouting or screaming at the people close to us. And/or you end up getting shouted at for shouting..!

So shouting or screaming into a pillow is a bit of a workaround. It lets you get it off your chest without bringing the house down with you. If you’re lucky enough to live near some country side or a beach, you could just go out into nature and let out a big ole yell. It feels GREAT. Just make sure it doesn’t end up sounding like you’re in danger and someone ends up running over to you..!

Punch something soft

Straight off the bat: your siblings don’t count as “something soft”, mmkay?

This one is more what we’d call “harm reduction”. It’s not great to punch stuff in general. But we hear from a lot of folks that they punch walls when they’re angry. It’s related to that idea of needing to do SOMETHING with all the energy that comes along with those angry feelings. So if you’re gonna punch something, make sure it’s something soft like a pillow or a stuffed toy. If you have the option, a proper punching bag could be a good shout!

Kinda related too: stress toys could be a mini version of this that you can take out and about with you.

Try these next time you feel angry

I mean, really, the best thing to do is try and recognise what it is that makes you angry and why it’s causing you to react like that. But, in the heat of the moment, you sometimes just need to let it out. These are a couple of ideas that might help in the short term.

Don’t forget to check out the Things To Try page for a bunch more ideas that can help with all the different emotions you experience.

If you found this helpful, please consider checking out our merch with a message! It’s the main way that we’re able to keep creating stuff like this, and we think it looks great (if we say so ourselves).

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I think my child is self-harming – how can I help?

If you think your child may be self-harming, you’re likely feeling a mix of confusing emotions; you might be worried for your child’s safety and wanting to help them, but also angry they would want to hurt themselves, and maybe also feeling guilty because you don’t know what could possibly have made them so upset. You’re not alone in feeling this way, but there are things you can do as a parent to support your child and find them the help that they need.

In this post, we’ll discuss some of the most pressing questions from parents.

Q: How do I know if my child is self-harming?

A: There are numerous potential signs that a person might be engaging in self-harm, but here’s a list of some of the most common ones we run across:

Constantly wearing long sleeves, even in hot weather
Their eating patterns are different from what they would usually be (for example, not getting food at lunchtime).
Bandages or plasters, either on their body, in their bedroom or school bag
Unexplained cuts or bruises on their body
Being less communicative/responsive than usual
Feeling tired all the time, or not sleeping
Using very negative language about themselves
Expressing feelings of failure, uselessness or hopelessness
Looking physically anxious
Skipping classes or other commitments
Becoming evasive or dismissive when you ask how they are
Engaging in harmful behaviours like smoking, or drinking
Isolating themselves – distancing themselves from friends or family
Being more aggressive or argumentative than usual
Lack of interest in things they were once passionate about
They’ve gone through a big and/or traumatic life event

Q: How do I talk about what I’m noticing with my child?

A: Often, our immediate reaction can be to focus on their injuries, or to try to make them feel better by explaining away their feelings, unconsciously diminishing them in our effort to make them less worrisome. Regardless of your intentions, actions like these can make your child lose trust in you, and make them less likely to confide in you about their feelings and worries. The most important thing you can do is validate your child’s feelings and experiences. When your child shares something with you, even something small, like a concern that they aren’t good enough at something, they are putting a huge amount of trust in you to respect their feelings. When this happens, try to:

Take a breath, and just listen
Let them say all they need to say, don’t interrupt, even to reassure them
Express your desire to understand what they are feeling
Avoid ‘you should’ statements — instead, focus on making sure they know you’re listening without judgement, and that you want to help

It’s likely the first time your child opens up to you won’t be a massive revelation, but it can be an opportunity to lay the foundation for trust and communication moving forward. You don’t have to be sure your child is self-harming to start the conversation, because the conversation should focus on how they are feeling, rather than on their injuries.

We also understand that starting that conversation can be difficult for both parties, so here are some potential conversation starters and things to consider (remember, it doesn’t have to be a huge scary conversation, just something that lets them know you care):

How are you feeling today?

I’ve noticed you [insert unusual behavior you’ve seen/haven’t been quite yourself], do you want to talk about anything?

I’ve noticed you’ve [insert observation here], and we don’t have to talk about it if you don’t want to, but I want you to know I’m not angry, I won’t judge you, and I will be here to help you when you feel comfortable sharing with me.

Are you feeling up to talking right now? (make sure it’s a good time for them)

Let them know they can write things down, as sometimes it’s hard to talk about such intense feelings

Let them know you just want to make sure they’re safe

Sometimes, just letting your child know that you’ve noticed something different going on with them, but you’re not angry — you just want to be there to support them — can be the encouragement they need to open up about what’s troubling them. The most important thing is to approach the conversation with an open mind; you don’t know or understand what’s going on in their head, but you’re there to support them, without judgement.

Notice with all of the above we focused on the person, not the injuries? That’s perhaps the most important bit. Self-harm is something they DO, but it’s just one small part of the bigger picture.

**Q: Is there anything I shouldn’t say?**

A: While there are no set rules for this kind of thing, there are some lines of questioning that can do more harm than good, which we’ll discuss below:

Anger:

It’s normal to feel angry in situations like these, because no one wants to believe that their child would willingly hurt themselves. However, self-harm is a coping strategy, not the real problem, so focusing your anger on your child’s injuries, or the fact that they are engaging in self-harm at all, can make them feel ashamed of their actions and their feelings, and can make them less-likely to be honest about their struggles in the future.

Shock or surprise:

Try to keep a level head as best you can, as appearing shocked can make your child feel abnormal when all they likely want to do is fit in. Show your concern, but remember that talking about self-harm is a big step — when in doubt, just listen.

Don’t take away utensils:

While your first reaction might be to take away the thing your child uses to self-harm, this can simply make your child go looking for other, potentially more harmful ways of coping. Not to mention, it won’t make them trust you any more than they already do. Remember, they’re using self-harm to cope, and taking that coping strategy away leaves them completely vulnerable to the issues they’re dealing with.
There are, of course, exceptions to this; if you feel your child may be a danger to others, then it may be safest to remove the equipment they’re using. Alternatively, you could offer to your child that, when they feel ready, they could give their equipment to you to dispose of, either when they’re ready to stop self-harming or if they want your help in using more positive coping strategies.

Don’t force them to talk to you:

Make sure they know you’ll be there when they want to talk, but don’t force them to tell you anything if they’re not ready. Prying can have the opposite reaction to what you want.

Don’t ask a million questions:

Similar to the last point, bombarding your child with personal questions can overwhelm them — remember, it’s a conversation, not an interrogation.

Don’t tell them not to do it:

It’s tempting to ask someone to promise not to self-harm, but it’s important to remember that they’re only doing it because it allows them to move forward in their life. Instead, if you feel they’re receptive in that moment, you could suggest they try different, more positive coping strategies next time. Self-harm is a learned behavior, but it is possible to learn new, positive behaviors that can replace it. You can find a huge list of them here on our website.

Don’t tell them to “smile!”:

The point of starting the conversation is to understand how they feel, and how you can support them. Telling them ‘it’ll be okay’ defeats the purpose of listening to them, because they don’t need to be made to feel happy, they need to be heard.

Don’t make it all about you:

This one is tied up in another misconception — that everyone who self-harms is also suicidal. It can be tempting in the moment to say things like “how do you think this makes me feel?”, or “how would your siblings feel if you weren’t here?”, or “your friends must be so worried about you!”. This only creates negativity, though, which isn’t helpful when someone is trying to be open and vulnerable with you. They can only get better when they are ready; if they stop self-harming for themselves, it will stick a heck of a lot better than if they do it out of guilt for someone else.

Remember, it can be really hard to stop relying on self-harm, especially if the person has been relying on self-harm to cope for a long time, so don’t be discouraged if nothing changes overnight. What we usually hear from students is that they wish someone would simply ask if they’re okay, like any normal person would. Try your best to be approachable, rather than critical, and let them talk at their own pace.

Q: Is it my fault?

A: No, it is not your fault. There are many possible reasons behind self-harm, and they differ from person to person, but here are some common reasons someone may self-harm:

Control — if they feel out of control in other areas, they may do this to have control over something

Release — self-harm may be their way of releasing tension, anger, sadness, frustration, or other negative emotions, especially when they have no other outlet

Expression — as a way to express emotional pain or turmoil

Attention — while self-harm is generally not only an attention-seeking action, it can be a way to ask for help, or for their problems to be taken seriously

Lack of self-worth — self-harm can serve as a sort of punishment when someone doesn’t feel ‘good enough’.

Numbness — when someone feels numb or disconnected, they may self-harm as a way to feel something, or to feel grounded.

We know we say this alot, but it’s so important to remember: self-harm is a coping strategy, not something they’re doing to get back at you, or anyone else in particular — this is about them and their struggle, whatever it may be, not about you. There is a bigger issue, whether it’s immediately obvious or not, and that should be the focus of the conversation, not how it affects others.

Q: I’ve started the conversation, but where do I go from here?

A: You don’t have to deal with this alone, and if you feel at a loss for what to do next, remember that there are countless resources set up to help with these exact situations. Here are a few things that may be helpful in making sure your child is safe, and in helping them implement positive coping strategies:

Encourage them to make a self-harm safety plan: You can find instructions on how to build a plan, along with an easy-to-follow template, in this post on our website. A safety plan is designed to remind someone of their options for support and positive coping strategies when they feel like they’re a risk to themselves.

Discuss downloading an app like Calm Harm: There are a bunch of apps out there designed to help someone resist the urge to self-harm. Calm Harm offers a bunch of different suggestions based on what someone needs at the moment, such as comfort, a distraction, a release, or just to express themself. Youper is an app that lets you talk to artificial intelligence (although it feels like a real human being), and helps you identify how you’re feeling. You can find an extensive list of resources like these here.

Call a helpline: You don’t have to be in ‘crisis-mode’ to seek help, and there are helplines available for all kinds of situations — whether you’re calling for yourself or someone else. YoungMinds offers a helpline specifically for parents. You can find an extensive list of helplines here, on our website.

While it’s obviously your first thought to take care of your child in this situation, keep in mind that you are only able to support them so long as you yourself are healthy. Resources like the National Self Harm Network provide a space where anyone — friends, family, or concerned individuals — can seek support and discuss issues surrounding self-harm.

The most important thing to remember is that you don’t have to deal with this alone, and neither does your child. If you can look at starting the conversation as the start of a journey — to more honest discussions, to more positive coping strategies, and to greater trust — you’ll be better prepared to support your child through these confusing and frightening circumstances.

At the end of the day, the best thing you can do for your child is to listen to them, to trust them, and to believe them: validate their feelings even when they may seem inconsequential to you, acknowledge how hard those feelings are to express, and encourage them to seek out positive alternatives. Be there for them, even when they pull away, and let them know they are not alone.

If you found this post helpful, check out some more of our Straight Up Advice.

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Self-Harm Safety Plan

Today, we’re going to talk you through making a self-harm safety plan and share some pro tips, but remember — the key to making a plan work is making it work for YOU, because different things are gonna work for different people. Your plan will evolve from start to finish, but in the end, it’ll be tailored to fit you and your needs perfectly.

Why do I need a safety plan?

It’s important to remember that self-harm is a coping strategy, just like meditation or exercise — simply a way for people to cope with a bigger issue, release intense emotions, and ultimately find a way to move on with life in the face of severe turmoil. A self-harm safety plan can help protect you from harm when you’re feeling like a risk to yourself.

Understanding the connection between how you’re feeling — angry, sad, numb, anxious — and the coping strategies you use is key to creating a safety plan that works for you. When we use coping strategies based on what we feel in that moment, it can help those strategies work more efficiently, and helps us implement positive alternatives to self-harm.

What do you feel when you’re having a bad day?

You’ve likely heard us blather on about this in other posts, but we can’t over-emphasize how helpful it can be to keep track of how you feel both on the good days and the bad. When we consciously label our feelings, we can separate them out and understand them better, which allows us to help ourselves more efficiently.

In your self-harm safety plan you’ll include a list of coping strategies that you know work for you — but it’s helpful to realize that not every strategy fits every emotion. For example, colouring may really help when you’re anxious, as a way to keep your brain and hands occupied, but it may not be the right choice when you’re angry. You might want to try something a bit stronger in those instances — a cold shower, or screaming into a pillow, or punching something soft — to release that pent-up frustration and tension.

Every safety plan is different, and it’s all about what works for you. Now, it may take some troubleshooting before you really feel like you’ve got a handle on what works, and your safety plan will probably change over time. It’s important to remember that we’re all human, and we’re all just trying to figure out what helps us get through each day, so eventually we can have fewer bad days.

Something to try: When you start to recognise these nuances in your emotions, you can actively prepare for different scenarios in your safety plan. It might be helpful for you to see your coping strategies written out, with the different emotions written next to them, making it easier to decide what to do in the moment.

What do I put in my self-harm safety plan?

A safety plan is a document you put together to help you remember your options for support, coping strategies, and people and places you can trust if you’re feeling like you’re a risk to yourself. Things to include on your safety plan could be:

Physical/mental warning signs you may not be in control of your feelings
Positive coping strategies that work for you
Positive affirmations, or alternatives to negative thoughts
Who you can call for help if you’re in danger (friends, helplines, teachers…)
Safe places you can go to or stay in an emergency, how to get there
List of things you might need in an emergency: medications, your phone, or anything you need for your coping strategies
What is the safest way to leave your house if you’re at risk and need to get somewhere safe?
List of helplines you feel comfortable calling
A reminder to call 999 if you’re in immediate danger, either to yourself or from someone else

There is no wrong way to make a plan, so long as you tailor it to your needs. Write it down, save it in your phone, and discuss it with someone you trust — this way, you’ll remember it when you need it most. Safety plans are unique to each individual, but they don’t have to be private — in fact, sharing your plan with people you trust can help keep you accountable, and can help the people around you understand what you’re going through and how to best help you.

Something to try: start your own self-harm safety plan by following this template. Once you feel like you’ve got a grasp on the purpose it should serve, you can personalise your plan to specifically fit your needs, and so you really connect to it and remember it.

Download our template

Below, we’ve filled in our self-harm safety plan as an example of the sort of thing you could put on yours, but it’s important to remember that this plan is for you. There’s no right or wrong answers, and it’s going to be unique to you and your situation.

Download Our Example

What are some coping strategies you could try?

Coping strategies are also unique to each individual, so it is super important to try different things until you find something that really clicks for you. For a massive list of coping strategies you can try, head on over to the Things To Try page on our website.

Here are a few coping strategies that could work when you’re feeling anxious, sad, or overwhelmed:

Colouring, drawing, or writing to express emotions, keep the hands and mind occupied, and focus on the task at hand rather than external worries
Journaling can help us work through complex emotions, vent about stress or frustration, and better understand ourselves
Meditation, listening to music or podcasts can provide a calming, relaxed moment for the mind to switch off and just be a passenger, which is helpful when struggling with anxiety, but can also be uplifting when we’re sad (you can find tons of guided meditations on YouTube, or on apps like Headspace; Spotify is great for both podcasts and music)
Cleaning something, like your room or the kitchen, can help you feel in control of something when everything else feels all jumbled up — and you know that they say: tidy room, tidy mind.

Here are some coping strategies that can help if you’re feeling angry, out of control, or frustrated:

Running or walking fast can help release energy or tension in a positive way, almost like you’re putting distance between yourself and any negative emotions

Taking a cold shower can help ‘cool’ you down when you feel like your emotions are bubbling over

Screaming into a pillow is a super easy way to release tension almost immediately, because sometimes we just need to let it all out on those bad days

What phone numbers could you include?

For an extensive list of resources, click here, or find the ‘Help Me’ button in the top right corner of our website. Just like coping strategies are unique to the person, there are options for support that are unique to certain age groups and concerns.

- Samaritans are one of the UK’s biggest support systems, and provide around the clock mental health support for all ages.
- MEIC offers tailored support based on your age (up to 25), and offers no-judgement guidance for all issues, big and small.
- National Self-harm Network is an online forum that lets you talk with other people about all sorts of things in a safe, controlled environment. Members talk about the mechanisms that result in self-harm, and how to cope with it and related problems. There are members who self-harm, friends & family, and other support groups.
- Nightline is a nation-wide association based at universities, designed to help students who are struggling at uni, which can often feel isolated and lonely.

Talking about it makes it real, and also less scary

Discussing your safety plan with a trusted friend, teacher, counselor, parent, or GP can help it stick in your mind better, and can also help you feel less alone when dealing with these intense emotions. It’s important to talk about your plan not only when you’re feeling crummy, but also when you’re feeling good, so you remember the plan not as something negative, but as something that can help you get control of the situation so you can have fewer bad days in the long run. Just in the same way talking through your feelings out loud can help you rationalise them, talking about your feelings with people you trust can help you recognise the support system you have around you — this helps us better appreciate the people in our lives.

Remember!

Everyone around you is just trying their best to make it through each day, no matter their individual struggles, so there’s no reason to be ashamed about your own. Creating a plan, making it work for you, and sharing it with your friends and family is the first step to helping yourself implement more positive coping strategies, but keep in mind that nothing is perfect the first time around.

You may find that your plan goes through several different versions before you feel like it really works every time the way you need it to, but that’s okay! All that means is you’re getting to know yourself, paying attention to your physical and mental boundaries, and are putting in the work for yourself. And that’s a heck of a lot to be proud of!

You’re not alone, and you can do this — one step at a time.

Managing Stress

Stress is pretty much a constant in our lives, but it doesn’t always have to be a bad thing, and it doesn’t have to control us. Short-term stress can be connected to something you’re excited or nervous about, and it can push you to put in maximum effort. Long-term stress, however, is less helpful and can have a negative impact on your mind and body, which is why it’s important to find the coping strategies that can help you manage that stress.

What causes stress?

There really are no rules when it comes to potential causes of stress, and every person reacts differently in every situation. A textbook definition of stress would call it your body’s reaction to a threat, or to pressure, but that pressure doesn’t have to be massive. Our bodies and minds have unique responses to stressful situations, and you should never be ashamed of feeling overwhelmed, it just means your body is doing its best to deal with the situation you’re in.

You might feel stressed if you have have too much on our plate, but that doesn’t necessarily mean you’re the busiest person on the planet — maybe there’s tension at home, or you’re going through a rough patch in a relationship, and adding even “normal” stress from school or work on top of that can push you over the edge and feel unmanageable. It’s times like these when your body needs a little help, and that’s where coping strategies come in.

When we’re really young, most of our stress comes from within the home, generally centered around big life changes like divorce or moving house. However, as we get older, our potential sources of stress expand to outside of the home, to include our school life, friends, relationships, work, and beyond. We can think of this time as a converging of two worlds: our home life, with all the stress that comes with it, and school, which holds all the stress of our social life and relationships, coupled with the stress of academics. When you think of it that way, it’s no surprise we’re all so stressed out all the time. Thinking about where stress comes from can also help you organise and prioritise your worries, which is a helpful coping mechanism when you’re overwhelmed.

When everything stacks up it can start to feel pretty stressful. But you CAN get through it!

How does stress feel to you?

Just like how we all find different things stressful, stress also presents itself differently in each of us. For some, it’s very physical, and can result in a loss of appetite, feeling ill, headaches and body aches, tightness in the chest, and issues sleeping. For others, it can make them pull away from things they used to enjoy, from people they love, and they can get wrapped up in the things going on in their head.

It’s important to recognise how stress feels to you, so you can get to know the warning signs your body sends to let you know it’s getting overwhelmed. When you start to feel overwhelmed, you can use positive coping techniques to keep yourself calm and manage your stress methodically, so it doesn’t get out of hand.

You could try: Next time you start to feel overwhelmed with stress, try writing down how you feel in that moment. Is your heart beating fast? Are you sweating? Is your chest tight, or are you breathing differently? You don’t have to necessarily do anything with this information, it’s just good to know how stress affects your body on a physical level. This can even help calm us down, because we recognise the physical warning signs and can attribute them to stress, rather than worrying about why we are feeling them.

Writing everything down in a list might help you think about things differently

I’m stressed out — what can I do?

Like we said before, small amounts of stress can be super helpful as motivation to tackle difficult tasks. But, when we feel overwhelmed, it’s often a combination of many small stressors that feel like one big ball of anxiety weighing us down, and if we can separate them out and think about them individually, they’re suddenly not so scary. Here are a few things you can try that can help you form positive habits, which help manage stress long-term:

Write a list: This one may seem overly simple, but putting down on paper word-for-word the things you’re worried about forces your brain to think about them in a rational way. It gets the worries out of your head, where they’re jumbled together and often unclear, and out in the open, where you can deal with them one at a time.
Say things out loud: Once you’ve listed out the things you’re stressing over, try saying them out loud — talk through where that stress came from, and why you’re so worried about it. For example, maybe you’re worried about a coursework deadline, but you weren’t worried about it until yesterday because someone sent a message to the group chat saying they were worried about it, and you started overthinking it. By dissecting that stress out loud, your brain can be rational about it, and suddenly the stress isn’t all-consuming — it’s just another thing you’ll deal with this week.
Set aside time for yourself: When you take the time to separate out your thoughts and tackle each of them individually, rather than let yourself be overwhelmed by them all at once, you free up space in your mind to focus on other things. You could fill this time with positive coping strategies, which could be anything from drawing, journaling, or painting — all creative outlets that can help us express our thoughts and emotions — or with mindful activities like exercising, listening to music, podcasts, meditating, or reading, all of which can occupy our minds and help us unwind when we’re preoccupied.

I’m spiraling — what can I do right now?

Here are a few coping techniques that can help get you through a particularly stressful moment, where you may feel panicky, frustrated, or just out of control:

Running, or walking fast
Take a cold shower
Using mindfulness/meditation apps like Calm or Headspace
Reassess your to-do list — what absolutely has to happen today, what can wait?
Scream into a pillow, or your hands
Cleaning something, like your room or the kitchen
Grounding 5-4-3-2-1 — 5 things you can see, 4 things you can touch, 3 things you can hear, 2 things you can smell, 1 thing you can taste

It’s perfectly normal to want to scream while you’re stressed. Try doing it into a pillow!

When you need some support

Seeking help is nothing to be ashamed of, and neither is talking about your worries — everyone is working through their own stress, and talking about it with people you trust can be extremely beneficial, whether that’s calling a helpline, your therapist, or your best friend. Always remember, no matter how overwhelmed you feel, you’re not alone, and it will pass. Trust your coping techniques, ask for help, and you’ll be okay.

Always remember that feeling stressed is normal, and so is needing some help in managing that stress. If you find that your usual coping techniques aren’t cutting it, there are other resources that can help you. You can find an extensive list of helplines and other resources on our website, here.

There are hundreds of helplines and sources of information and advice available, especially online, and they are often designed specifically for certain situations — Childline, for example, provides support tailored to young people under the age of 19, whereas Beat provides support for people struggling with eating disorders, and Switchboard is an LGBT+ helpline.

Who can you call?

Always remember that helplines like Samaritans are always available to help (call 116 123), but there are so many other resources out there that you might find helpful! We’ve listed a few below, but you can find more on the Helplines page of our website.

MEIC – provides advice tailored to your age range, up to 25 in Wales. They can help find out what’s going on in your local area, or help you deal with a tricky situation. They offer information, advice and support with no judgement.
The Mix – a support service for under 25s, available 365 days a year. They’re there to help you take on any challenge you’re facing – from mental health to money, from homelessness to finding a job, from break-ups to drugs.
C.A.L.L. – offers emotional support and information on mental health and related matters to people in Wales. If you’re concerned about your own mental health, or someone that you know, you can call or text C.A.L.L. for a confidential listening and support service.

Whatever it is you’re facing, there’s always someone there you can speak to you.

How to relax without the fancy app

There are tons of free spaces online where you can find guided meditation and mindfulness exercises, on Spotify, Youtube, and beyond — you don’t need to subscribe to an app to find peace of mind. You can find guided meditations and sleep stories from Calm (yes, like the app) on their Youtube channel, along with other meditation channels like this one.

On Spotify, you can find almost every kind of podcast — I like to listen to them to sleep when I’m stressed. Check out this one, which tells boring stories until you fall asleep, or this one that reads you bedtime stories paired with a short meditation to help you fall asleep easier. You can even find meditation music on Spotify, designed to help you take five minutes out of your day to reset. Anywhere you find podcasts, you can find something to help you relax.

Remember, we all deal with stress, and it affects everyone differently, so don’t beat yourself up if what works for your pal doesn’t work for you — just keep on truckin’ and you’ll find ‘your thing’ that helps you cope.

We’re all only human, and stress is a part of that, but finding ways to slow things down and work through them piece by piece will help you keep on crushin’ it!

If Home Is Not A Safe Place

While we’re currently on lock down, there’s all sorts of advice about how to have fun while you’re indoors. But here’s some tips for staying safe if you’re at home and your home isn’t a safe space. We’ve obviously written these for quarantine, but they’re pretty useful in general.

Please remember, if you’re in immediate danger/someone is threatening to hurt you/ someone has hurt you please call the emergency services on 999.

Keep Talking

Make sure you’re speaking to friends and other family members regularly. Try and plan things like video calls, playing games or watching things together through Netflix Party so you’re having a break from the people in your house.

Think about who you can trust and who you’re happy to confide in. Let them know if you feel unsafe or if something happens at home that isn’t OK.

If you need to, think of a code word system that you can message someone and they’ll ring you straight away or call the emergency services, depending on what’s happening. It could be any word of your choosing but make it stand out, make it memorable and make sure the person you’re contacting understands what the word is and what it means for them. Ask them to check in with you at a certain time of the day when you need a reason to leave a room or take a break from a potentially confrontational situation. Here’s some Government guidance on how to get help, that you might find useful too.

If you feel like you don’t have anyone you can talk to, then there are lots of helplines and support services out there. They can help you with what to say and who to contact. We’ve linked a few here!

Cooling Off

Being stuck inside can increase people’s frustrations, so be aware of disagreements, tempers escalating and people lashing out. Try and avoid unsafe circumstances as best you can. If a tense situation occurs, walk away. Right now it’s about diffusing these situations to keep you and others in your house safe. Think about why you need to try and stay calm, and the consequences of the actions you may take.

Having a cool off period might mean that you can address things more calmly at a later point. If you can go out for a walk (safely whilst respecting social distancing) then get some fresh air and have some space. Plan reasons to leave the room, like taking your dog for a walk or taking out the bins. These can be used to escape intense environments when you need to.

Safe Space in the House

Avoid rooms/ times of the day where stressful situations may occur. Try and figure out a room or place in your house/ garden where you feel safe. Think about where you do your work and where you chill out. Try and have a separation for your own peace of mind, but also to give yourself some structure. Where can you go that’s going to keep you out of harm’s way? Where do you feel comfortable and where can you have some alone time?

Safety Plan

A safety plan is a tool to assist in identifying options and evaluating them, and can limit the harm brought upon you.

There is no right or wrong way to develop a safety plan but you have to come up with it yourself so it’s easier to remember. Think about the following:

Who to call
A safe place you can stay or get to
Things you need in an emergency- medication you take/your phone charger etc
What to do if you’re caring for someone else or if they need support
What is the safest and quickest way out of your house
To tell the police if you’ve left home
Remember- In an emergency call 999

We recommend keeping your mobile charged and with you as much as you can. We also suggest you try and have a little money on you. Keep your emergency items somewhere handy and close to your exit, so they’re easy to grab if you need them.

Helplines, Apps and Support

I know we keep saying about helplines but this is what they’re here for. These services are run by people trained to listen and to help you. They are professional and they will do their best to help you. Normally we’d recommend speaking to a teacher or your GP but that’s not that easy right now.Here’s some places that are still operating that you can contact from home:

Young Minds Crisis Messenger service
Text YM to 85258 for free 24/7 mental health support if you are having a mental health crisis.

Childline
www.childline.org.uk
If you’re under 19 you can confidentially call, email or chat online about any problem big or small.
Freephone 24/7 helpline: 0800 1111
Sign up for a childline account on the website to be able to message a counsellor anytime without using your email address.
Chat 1:1 with an online advisor

Samaritans
For anyone in distress or needing support you can contact Samaritans for free anytime day or night.
www.samaritans.org
Freephone (UK and Republic of Ireland): 116 123 (24 hours)
Email: jo@samaritans.org

The Mix
For under 25’s- lot’s of advice and info on support services.
www.themix.org.uk
Freephone: 0808 808 4994 (1pm – 11pm daily)

Women’s Aid
If you identify as a woman and you feel like you might be dealing with domestic abuse you can talk to Women’s Aid who offer free, confidential support.
www.womensaid.org.uk
Email: helpline@womensaid.org.uk
You can also chat to a support worker using their free instant messenger service, Mon-Fri (10am-12pm)

Stonewall
If you’re part of the LGBT+ community and you’re struggling at home right now check out Stonewall. Lots of info and support if you freephone 0800 0502020. Lines are open 9.30am-4.30pm Monday- Friday.
https://www.stonewall.org.uk/help-and-advice

Bright Sky
Bright Sky is a free to download mobile app, providing support and information to anyone who may be in an abusive relationship or those concerned about someone they know. It looks like your average weather app but has a lot of info on that can help you.

Look After Yourself

These are strange and stressful times. Please remember to take care of yourself as much as you can. That could be as simple as remembering to eat or trying to get a good night’s sleep. Heck, even just having a shower every day is a good goal to set. Try and do as much self care as you can right now. Do things that make you happy. We’ve got a bunch of ideas on our website for ways you can cope. If you’re struggling right now then check out some of our suggestions here.

Please know that anything that happens to you is not your fault. You are worth happiness and love. You deserve to be safe.

How To Look Out For Someone You’re Worried About

Check in regularly- through messages, audio calls or voice notes. Even better through a video call.
Dig deeper when you ask them how they are- ask twice. Ask how they’re really feeling right now.
Watch parties, online games (we love Words With Friends) or even just being on FaceTime together whilst you’re watching Netflix or cooking is a great way to socialise without actually being together.
Plan things to do when this is over- give the person something to look forward to.
Send memes or jokes. Make them smile and give them some light in their day and let them know you’re thinking about them.
If they need help or you’re seriously worried about them- ring a helpline for more advice. If they are in immediate danger call the emergency services on 999 (or the equivalent in your country.)

Stopping Self-Harm

Hello! I’m Si. I’m one of the founders of Heads Above The Waves, and I self-harmed when I was a teenager (and into my adult life too, tbh). You can read my story on HATW if you want to know a bit more detail, but the upshot is: I’ve been through this myself. I’ve put together a few thoughts of things that helped me get past self-harm, as well as a few things that we’ve gathered from the last 7 years of doing HATW that might help you stop self-harm.

Stopping can only happen when you’re ready for it to happen.

First and foremost, whatever I say here: if you’re not in a place to accept it, take it onboard, and wholeheartedly try it, then it’s not gonna work for you. If you’re not at that point yet, that’s ok. Maybe just reading some of this will help get you to a place where you decide you’re ready.

If you’re ready to make a change, and take some steps towards recovery, then that’s awesome, and already half the battle. Let’s dive right in.

Spot when you’ve been triggered

Know what it feels like when you’ve been triggered. For me, that’s getting knots in my stomach and flustered in my face. These are my physical signs, but what are yours?

A step back from this: what are your triggers? What is it that sets you off, leaves you feeling like you’re going to self-harm? If you’re not sure what exactly it is that triggers you, try keeping a note of your situation every time you feel like self-harming. Where are you? Who are you with? What time is it? All these details over a month or two can help you spot patterns, and figure out what your triggers are. Once you know what your triggers are, you can put things in place to avoid them, and/or look at finding something else to try next time you get triggered.

What good does self-harm do?

Self-harm is serving some sort of purpose. It’s a coping mechanism (but it’s a harmful one). Maybe it’s helping you release your anger/frustration. Maybe it’s a way for you to feel something if you feel numb otherwise. Maybe it’s a physical way of showing the pain you’re feeling inside.

Whatever it is, take some time to think about and acknowledge what you’re getting out of self-harm.

Once you know what it is you’re getting from self-harm, try to find some other way to get that same result. So if it’s a release for anger, maybe you could try playing drums, or if it’s a way of fighting numbness, you could try something intense (like hot sauce!), or if self-harm is about expression for you, it might be that writing, or even just talking about it, might help serve that same purpose.

We’ve compiled a list of things that have helped us and others on our THINGS TO TRY page to help you find what works for you.

Be mindful

Once you’ve found something you want to try as an alternative to self-harm, you’ve gotta be mindful while you do it.

I’ve recently found playing video games a really useful escape when everything’s feeling a bit too much. One of the most important things I’ve learned from this is that there’s a difference between kicking back on the PS4 cuz I’m bored, and spotting when I’m in a bad headspace and giving myself 45 mins to chill and reset my brain. I’m physically doing the same thing, but it’s the mindset I go into it with that determines whether it’s going to have a positive impact on my mental health. So whatever it is that you’re trying out, each time you do it tell yourself “this is helping me get better”.

Give yourself time

This heading works 2 ways.

1) you need to give yourself time for these new coping techniques to work; they won’t necessarily work straight away, you need to keep trying them and stick with it until they start to work. (Here’s a lil video about why you should stick with it!).

2) A useful distraction technique might be to give yourself a target time. Say “I’m not going to self-harm for the next 2 minutes” – and if you can go 2 minutes without self-harming, and you still feel like doing it at the end of those 2 minutes, then that’s ok. But if you can get through 2 minutes and then say “I’m not going to self-harm for another 5 minutes” and keep on extending it, you’ll not only feel a sense of accomplishment for hitting those little goals, but often by the end of these lil time limits, the urge to self-harm can pass, and you can look to try putting something else in place.

Communication is key

It’s something we keep coming back to, but talking it out can make such a difference. Whether that’s having a friend who checks in on you & makes sure you stick with the new things you’re trying, or whether that’s reaching out to a helpline and talking through the emotions you’re going through during this time.

Talking about self-harm is really hard and kinda scary the first time you do it, but it honestly gets easier. There are people out there who will listen and care about you, or even just be able to relate to you. Knowing that you’re not in this alone might be a cliche but hot dang, it’s helpful.

Self-harm is a complex, and unique issue that’s going to be different for so many people who deal with it. These are just a few ideas of what’s helped in the past, and what might help you. But it’s important to find what works for YOU.

A student I work with is self-harming

Supporting a student who self-harms might seem a little daunting, especially if it’s something you’ve not come across before.

The very first thing to say here is that: EVERY STUDENT IS DIFFERENT

So what works for one person won’t work for everyone. It’s important to keep this in mind, and make sure that you’re tailoring your approach to meet the needs of the person you’re talking to.

Another important bit from the offset is knowing what your school/group/organisation’s policy on self-harm is. It’s worth checking to see if there’s a process already in place that you need to be following, in line with child protection.

Self-harm isn’t suicidal behaviour. In fact, it’s often more of a way of trying to cope and keep on living; it’s a coping mechanism. A harmful one; but a way of trying to cope with a situation.

– BUT – prolonged self-harming behaviour increases the risk of death by suicide.

It’s worth remembering that it’s a reaction to a deeper problem, and is serving some sort of purpose. So a good way to support someone is to help understand and do what you can to resolve the situation that’s leading them to self-harm. And/or in the short term, help find a more positive coping mechanism that can serve the same purpose.

We asked some students that we’ve worked with how to best support them, and here’s a few of the key takeouts from what they said:

Helpful Reactions:

“Yo! Listen to me!”

Honestly, in so many instances, just giving someone the space to talk, and actively listening to what they have to say, hearing their whole story, and letting them talk at their own pace is the most useful first step. Don’t force them to tell you anything, but just be there to listen to them and take them seriously. Remember how hard this conversation might be for them; especially if you’re the first person they’ve spoken to about self-harm.

Focus on the person, not their injuries.

While it can be easy to be shocked and worried about their self-harm, remember this is a person with a complex life, struggling to deal with a bunch of stuff. Obviously, make sure their injuries are taken care of from a medical point of view, but when talking to them, focus more on their situation, what they’re going through, and how they can get through it.

Help them identify positive coping mechanisms

Like we said above, this is their way of trying to cope with whatever’s going on in their lives. If you get an idea of why it is that they’re self-harming, and what purpose it’s serving them, you can help to find something else that can serve that same purpose. For example, if they’re feeling anger or frustration, you can help them find something like exercise or sport that might help deal with those feelings.

If you’ve been working with this young person for a while, you might know them and their interests, to help find things they might already have in place.

You can find a bunch of ideas of things to try (that have helped others in the past) HERE

Unhelpful Reactions:

Don’t break their trust

Establish early on in conversations with the student that there are some things you’ll need to pass on in the interest of their safety. So if they disclose something to you that you’re required to share in line with your Child Protection Policy, let them know what you’re doing and why. A lot of the time, when a student can understand what’s going on, and they feel like they’re in the loop on it, it’s going to be far more effective than if they feel like things are happening behind their back.

This could include you wanting to work with another member of staff who might be able to support them better than you feel you can. It’s ok to be honest and admit that you need support too!

Don’t be angry

Even if it comes from a good place (because you care about them and are worried about their wellbeing!) an angry reaction can leave the student feeling like they can’t talk about what they’re going through with you – or worse, set the tone that them asking for help makes others upset/angry with them.

Don’t make it all about you (or anyone else!)

A lot of students that we speak to mention feeling worried about the impact their self-harm might have on their Mum/Dad/Caregiver. If these feelings are already floating around in their minds, then things like “how do you think this makes ME feel?” are just going to exacerbate them. Remember that this is their issue that they’re dealing with. The goal is to help them deal with the situations in their life better.

At the end of the day, self-harm is just a thing that people do. It doesn’t define them. Supporting a student who’s self-harming can be like supporting them through any issue – approach it sensitively, and put their needs and wellbeing as the main priority.

There’s also a whole heap of helplines and places to talk who can help support the student outside of the time you have with them. Check them out here.

If you’d like some more insights on supporting young people who self-harm, you can get in touch with us about our staff training sessions.

Help Is At Hand

‘Help is at hand’ is a document that’s been put together for people who’ve been bereaved by suicide. If you know someone who’s taken their own life, you might find this booklet helpful. We’ve put up both the versions for Wales and England, so you should be able to find the information & support that’s most relevant to you. But even if you live outside of the UK, there’s still plenty of useful stuff in them.

Just click on the covers to open up the full PDF.

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