It struck me as I was writing my last blog post that I’m almost writing these posts as a letter. Perhaps as a letter to my past self, sharing all the experiences I’ve been through and what I wish I’d had someone telling me when I was in my darkest days of my self-harm. My hope is that you (yeah, YOU, right there!) are reading this as a personal letter from me, to you, telling you that there’s someone out there, who knows how you’re feeling, and is in your corner.

With this in mind, the obvious song choice as subject matter is ‘To A Friend’ by Alexisonfire (because if you’re reading this, then you’re my friend). The first verse of this song has Dallas Green (with his utterly incredible voice) asking the listener:

What are you suffering for?

…which I think is a good challenge to you. Why ARE you suffering? What is it that’s led you to this place? And more importantly, what can you do to solve the problem? Self-harm is, in my experience, a reaction to an issue, which becomes an issue in itself. Solve the root of the problem, and you don’t need the reaction any more. Sometimes, the first step to solving that root is to get talking. Talking openly and honestly with someone you trust about what’s led you to feel that way. Trust me, I’m sure that if this was a letter to myself 7 years ago, then I’d probably have just scoffed and said “You hippie, Future Si. What good is TALKING gonna do about what I’m going through?” But you can’t knock something until you’ve tried it. Opening up about my experiences (some of it only came out very recently) was one of the most liberating things I’ve ever done.

I only once reached a point where I contemplated killing myself. I kept that to myself for the best part of 6 years. I didn’t even tell my best friends. But recently, I told someone about it, while I was talking about my experiences leading to Heads Above The Waves getting started. It’s still really hard to talk about, but actually saying the words out loud, felt like a huge weight had been taking off my chest. But back to the song.

The chorus encourages you, that:

You shouldn’t have to fight alone (you shouldn’t have to fight at all)

To me, that’s what Heads Above The Waves is all about. You’re NOT fighting alone. There’s a whole bunch of people just like you, looking for a solution to their struggles, and wanting help. There’s a whole bunch of people just like you who’ve already found help, and have solutions to their struggles. And there’s a whole bunch of people just like you who may one day confide in you with their struggles, and ask you for help. The second part of that line is just as important – you shouldn’t have to fight at all. Nobody deserves to be in a place where they’re so unhappy they turn to hurting themselves. Find that root problem, and take steps towards solving that. Make that your fight, instead of a daily struggle not to self-harm.

The chorus, and the song, concludes with the line:

It’s nobody’s battle but your own.

which leads me to a final thought about what Heads Above The Waves is all about conveying:

If it’s a big deal to YOU, then it’s important.

I’ve had that written on a post-it note on my door for about 8 months now, so I read it every time I leave my room.

It’s something that a friend said to me when I was having a tough time. I was complaining about some girl problem I was having at the time, and suddenly became aware of who I was talking to. Someone who’d had a much tougher time in life than I had, who was facing much bigger problems than just some girl not wanting to go out with me. I felt a little ashamed and embarrassed, and I apologised for me whining on about my problems and how depressed I was getting over it, when I had it easy compared to them. And that’s when they told me never to apologise for feeling bad about something, and that if it was a big deal to me, then it was important, and that it’s worth doing something about, because I’m worth it.

And to you, I say: YOU’RE worth it. Don’t feel bad about feeling bad. You’re not fighting alone. We’re in this together.

Keep your Heads Above The Waves.

Your friend,

– Si