Who Am I?

I’m ready to make sure I never become that way again, cuz who I am hates who I’ve been. – Relient K

So just who am I? I’ll start by telling you who I’m not. I’m not the broken kid I used to be, who purposely used a lower case i when writing about myself, to try and imply a lower level of importance to myself. I’m not the miserable boy who never saw himself making it past 27. I’m not defined by self-harm. I’m not held back by what I went through. In a general sense, and because I love The Wonder Years: I’m not sad anymore. And in the best possible way, I’m not the 20-something I thought I’d be.

In my teenage years, there were times when I felt like giving up. I couldn’t see how things could get any better. It felt like everything was terrible, and hopeless. I was insecure and scared, constantly second guessing myself, blaming myself for the things that happened to me, and physically punishing myself. I’m pretty sure I was my own worst enemy; keeping things rattling around in my head rather than turning them into something positive. I hated myself for the way that I looked, for the things that I did, and for the fact that I couldn’t seem to make it better. It was definitely a struggle with myself. And that’s possibly something you’re dealing with right now too. All too often I think we sell ourselves short and think we’re less than we actually are. For me, sometimes that’s being melodramatic, sometimes it’s not wishing to be arrogant, sometimes it’s a deep rooted insecurity, which I’m fighting every day.

It’s so easy to find yourself in a negative thought cycle of feeling like crap, and so thinking everything is crap, and therefore missing out on stuff that’s genuinely good. But by choosing to not be defined by the bad days, and not letting them hold you back, you open yourself up to better things happening. It’s so hard to do. What seems to be the easiest option is to bury your head in the sand and not deal with problems. But that doesn’t help in the long run, trust me. If you don’t actually solve the root of the problem, it’s still there when you wake up the next day.

But since my lowest point, life has taken a series of unexpected turns. HATW is one of them. I never would have said, even 18 months ago, that I’d be quitting a day job to start working on my own non-profit. I wouldn’t have thought I was brave/capable enough. I’ve found myself in all sorts of situations, and meeting all sorts of people (some of whom have grown to become my closest friends) as a result of taking opportunities that have come up, rather than doubting myself and letting it pass me by. By moving away to uni, I got the chance to reinvent myself. Meeting people with a clean slate, rather than people having their conceptions of me already (good or bad). The irony is, I didn’t actually purposely change all that much – I’m still very much a geek for example – but I grew, learnt, and developed without really realising. Sorta like I’m a Charizard now, and I was a Charmander a few years ago; still the same person but bigger and better. Or maybe that’s a terrible analogy.

One of the things I’ve learnt, and I truly hope you learn, is that who you are is enough. Who you are is ok. Obviously, if you’re struggling with self-harm right now, I’m not endorsing that, but it doesn’t make you a freak or an outcast. It’s not the only thing that people see when they look at you. You’re a complex being with hopes and fears, with tastes and opinions, and with infinite possibilities waiting for you, if you’re ready to go for them. You’re worth listening to. You’re valid. And it’s ok if you don’t feel ok. Literally everyone around you has days when they’re not ok, and things get too much for them. They just deal with those days differently. And I hope you find a better way to deal with the bad days than self-harm. It’s really awesome to see a community of people wearing HATW shirts and representing hope and help. It gives us a sense of belonging – being part of a scene. And it’s by no means some “exclusive club”. The whole point is: we’re all just people trying to figure out how to get through each day. Whoever you are, you’re still just a person. But a person who’s capable of changing the world.

I’m putting a whole load more effort into offering practical ways to help you find creative coping mechanisms through HATW, so please keep on checking back in the next couple of weeks, because I want there to be something for everyone.

The truth is, I’m still finding out who I am. I’m still learning new things about myself. Things I never thought I’d be capable of. Things I didn’t see coming. And that’s ok. A while back, I wrote a blog post about finding yourself, for my friends at Lost and Found (you can read it HERE, if you’re interested) I’ve always worried a huge amount about other peoples’ opinions of me, and nothing frustrates me more and gets me into a negative headspace, than being misunderstood, or misread, or people jumping to conclusions about me. But really, I need to let that go. It’s something I’m working on in myself, real hard. I am who I chose to be, and I’m as awesome as I let myself be.

Rodney Mullen, arguably one of the greatest skateboarders ever, once said in a TED Talk:

Skaters tend to be outsiders who seek a sense of belonging. But belonging on their own terms.

I’ve you’ve got some time, watch the whole talk – it’s hugely inspiring:

See, YOU’RE the person who controls who you are. Life’s full of choices that you have to make, and you’re not always gonna make the right ones. But everything you do shapes you a little more: sometimes in a good way, sometimes in a bad way. The important thing is that who you were or who you are now isn’t necessarily who you’ll be tomorrow. But you’re in charge of that.

Now go out there today, and be the best version of you you’ve ever been.

– Si