Matt’s Story

Full disclosure, asking me for beginner “baby gay” advice is like asking Marie Antoinette for budgeting tips. I honestly sucked at it. I had sleepless nights, I had multiple exams failed because my brain was busy doing needless gender and sexuality algebra. It wasn’t heartstoppers, it was messy.

With this in mind, here’s my messy reality, and what helped me along the way!

Take time to mourn the person you thought you were.

Your future is going to be different now, but that doesn’t have to be a bad thing. It just means you can choose which parts of the social script you want to keep, and which parts you want to get rid of.

I was sixteen when I finally processed I liked boys. And at the time it felt like a real blow to the script I had in my head about what I thought my future was “meant” to look like. At the time I fully believed that I’d find a Remona Flowers style girlfriend to take me on cool adventures and show me all the secret indie bands Cardiff had to offer.

Fortunately for me, I found the trade off was worth it. You never realise how much energy you spend lying by omission, and always wondering in the back of your mind if you’d accidentally outed yourself. 

Labels don’t need to be forever. 

In fact you don’t need labels at all! If the idea of being labelled stresses you out, then ditch the labels. I’ve shedded multiple labels in my lifetime when they fail to fit, and will probably shed even more!

In my private life I’ve had sleepless nights over sexuality, gender identity, neurodiversity, and various other, less serious versions of me that almost fit but not quite. Trying to accept them as an addition to who I am, without having strict rules for who I “have to” be really helped.

A good label will come with age, or you’ll craft your own, but being the person you want to be and doing life the way you want to do it is FAR more valuable than any number of words you could describe yourself with.

Practical experience is worth so much more than gay theoretical physics. 

Go kiss someone, crossdress at comic con as Princess Peach or super Mario, do drag, go on dates, get scientific answers to your questions.

I spent years of my life reading up about my sexuality and stressing out in thought spirals and circular thinking patterns about the possibilities of the choices I was wanting to make. What if I was wrong about fancying boys? What if my androgynous tastes meant I was destined to be genderqueer or a trans women? What if I was bisexual? What if? What if? What if?

So I tried on some identities, I did drag in private and at parties, I kissed a boy at uni, I kissed a girl at uni, I kissed a variety of folks inbetween those demographics at uni. Each one of those gave me concrete answers about the way I wanted to live, which alleviated some of the panic I felt about the questions.

As long as you find someone you trust to explore these with, who isn’t going to be cruel, and will give you grace if you decide the date didn’t go well, or if you discover you’re not interested in getting intimate with them, you’ll be fine.

Just be honest, and be kind.

Stock up on other identities in the meantime

Diversify your life, become an expert baker or a remarkable tennis player. Invest in hobbies and crafts and parties and exams. Putting all your brainpower into one topic can be exhausting. And it’s healthy to develop a wider range of identities and communities.

As one of my favourite podcasts once put it. Personal Identity is not a jigsaw puzzle where only one piece will fit, the goal is to fill that space with as many things as possible that bring you joy and comfort.

Find role models in every walk of life.

Over the years, I have developed a sea of role models, celebrities, and mentors to look up to, of all types and all flavours. Its good to remind yourself that there are hundreds of thousands of ways to be a person, and to be successful and that they don’t have to look alike.

Some notable examples include a buddhist monk in stiletto heels, a thrash metal punk trans woman, a drag king from America, a black cosplay queen who makes gowns from scratch, an indie artist who used to tour garages and now performs concert halls, and at least a dozen different people in their mid 30s with kind hearts and memorable hair.

You’re never so unique that community and inspiration doesn’t exist, you just need to find it.

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