Break Ups and Downs
post by Si Martin
Break ups suck. Even the most amicable of splits can still lead to that horrible knot in your stomach when you see them in the street or on your news feed.
As someone who gets hit pretty hard by every split I go through, I wanted to share a few thoughts/ideas on what’s helped me through the ups and downs of break ups.
I’ve started writing this post so many times, and abandoned it so many times too. But the one thing that’s stuck through every version of it is this:
Your self-worth isn’t defined by anyone else.
Sometimes you’ll be all sentimental and miss all those times you shared together. If that’s the case, remember that now you’re doing things solo for a bit, that doesn’t make you worth anything less. If anything that makes you even stronger, that you’re able to do things by yourself, FOR yourself.
Sometimes you’ll be glad you’ve broken up and put an end to arguments/getting cheated on/being taken for granted. If that’s the case, remember that you’re a total badass who doesn’t deserved to be dragged down by negativity from anyone else. No human being should ever make you feel anything less than amazing and strong.
On that note, no-one is ever going to be worth you self-harming over. You’re worth so much more than that. Please trust me.
So whatever you do, make sure you’re doing it for yourself. Not to please anyone. Not to get back at anyone. But to make yourself a stronger and better person. With that in mind:
Now is the time to find a whole bunch of new music:
Hide away that mixtape they made you. Avoid listening to “your song” whenever you can.
Get yourself on Spotify (other music services are available) and discover your new soundtrack. That could be something angry, something uplifting, or just something different to what you’d usually listen to. Just try to avoid all those slow sad nostalgic songs that both you know and I know aren’t gonna do you any good in the long run.
We’ve made a bunch of Spotify playlists through HATW that are full of new music with a posi twist. That can be your starting point. We asked people on our Facebook page for suggestions of feel good songs, and here’s a few choice picks!
(My best finds from my recent break up were Being As An Ocean and The World Is A Beautiful Place And I Am No Longer Afraid To Die)
Surround yourself with friends:
I think we’re all guilty – at least to some extent – of spending less time with friends and more time with our partner. Whether you mean to or not, that’s often just the way it goes. (Especially as you start to get older and more tired earlier on, when the thought of a quiet night in is so much more appealing than a mad night out on the town..)
But now’s the time to reconnect with your friends, the people who care about you. Even if that’s just one person. Start spending time with them, rather than sitting on your own, contemplating how alone you are. Get out there and do stuff with your friends. Even if it’s only a short term distraction, it’s a nice way to remind yourself that there are people who care for you and are there for you.
Try new things:
Go new places, try new experiences, meet new people, do new things. Things that you’ve always wanted to do but haven’t got round to doing. Don’t go to the places you used to go with your ex. For a while, don’t watch the same tv shows or listen to the same music that you used to while you were with them. This is a time for you to make your own, new memories.
This is a chance to reinvent yourself:
Get rid of those bad habits that you’ve picked up over the years. Start exercising again. Start being more organised and productive. Push yourself to be more outgoing and sociable (see: try new things and surround yourself with friends..!)
But most importantly, don’t beat yourself up if you don’t get to exactly where you want to be. Life is a continuous process – you’ll keep on learning, growing, changing, and adapting as you go along. This is just another step on that journey.
Take things at your own pace:
There’s no set way on how you’re supposed to act (other than being a decent human being. It’s ok to be upset, hurt and angry, but if you’re going out of your way to try and hurt them back, then that’s a problem). Others will try and offer their opinion on exactly what you should do, and it’s great to have input from people who care about you, but you know yourself best. You know when you’re ready to move on. You know when you need a little bit of space. You know when you want to just sit and play video games in your onesie. Don’t feel rushed into feeling a certain way. Make sure you let yourself feel all the emotions you need to, and don’t worry if you’re moving at a different pace to other people.
You got this.
– Si
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Thank you very much, Si!
I´ve been going through a harsh break up, my grandpa’s death, my parents splitting up, and dealing with self harming, and reading really made me smile a little. I hope that some time soon I can share my story of how I got better.
Thanks for everything you´re doing.