What Does Self-Compassion Mean (and How to Build It)

Self-compassion is one of those things that sounds nice in theory, but in reality, it can feel impossible. If you’re anything like me, being kind to yourself might not come naturally—especially if you’ve spent years being your own worst critic. (💁🏼‍♀️) But here’s the thing: self-compassion isn’t just some fluffy concept. It’s a superpower that can genuinely change how you handle life’s toughest moments. It can be how you keep your head above the waves. 👀

Research by Dr. Kristin Neff—one of the leading experts on self-compassion—shows that practicing self-kindness can reduce stress, improve resilience, and even boost motivation. So let’s break it down: what actually is self-compassion, and more importantly, how do you start practicing it?

What is Self-Compassion?

Think about how you’d treat a mate who’s having a rough time. You’d probably reassure them, remind them of their strengths, and let them know they’re not alone. Self-compassion is basically doing that—but for yourself.

It’s made up of three key things:

✅ Self-kindness – Speaking to yourself with understanding, rather than beating yourself up.

✅ Common humanity – Realising that everyone struggles sometimes; you’re not alone.

✅ Mindfulness – Acknowledging what you’re feeling without letting it define you.

Sound good? Sweet. Now here’s how you can actually build it.

1. Notice How You Talk to Yourself

Your inner voice is powerful. If your self-talk sounds like: “I’m such a failure” or “I’m the worst”, that’s gonna wear you down over time.

Start paying attention to how you talk to yourself. Especially in tough moments. Would you say the same things to a friend if they were in your shoes? If not, try swapping that negative self-talk for something more compassionate, like:

• “This is hard, but I’m doing my best.”
• “It’s okay to struggle, I don’t have to have it all figured out.”
• “I’m allowed to be kind to myself.”

By just noticing how you’re talking to yourself, you can start to catch yourself when you’re being unnecessarily mean to yourself. And start to show yourself a little more compassion

2. Cut Yourself Some Slack (You’re Only Human!)

Nobody’s perfect. Literally no one. We all mess up, forget things, and have days where we don’t function at 100%. That’s just part of being human.

Instead of tearing yourself apart over every mistake, try reminding yourself:

• “Other people struggle with this too.”
• “This doesn’t make me a bad person.”
• “I can learn from this and move forward.”

You’re not alone in this. Struggling doesn’t mean you’re failing. It just means you’re human.

3. Treat Yourself Like You’d Treat a Friend

If a mate came to you saying, “I feel like I’m not good enough”, would you respond with “Yeah, you’re the worst”? Of course not. So why do we talk to ourselves that way?

Next time you catch yourself spiraling, try this:

• Imagine what you’d say to a friend in the same situation.
• Say it to yourself.
• Repeat as needed.

It might feel unnatural at first, but the more you practice, the easier it gets.

4. Build a ‘Self-Compassion Toolkit’

Some days, being kind to yourself is extra hard. That’s where a self-compassion toolkit comes in handy. Think of it like a go-to list of things that help you be a little gentler with yourself. This could include:

• A playlist of songs that lift your mood
• A note in your phone with reminders of times you’ve been strong
• Screenshots of kind messages from friends
• A journal where you write down small wins and good moments

On the tough days, open up your toolkit and remind yourself what a legend you actually are, and here’s the proof of it!

5. Give Yourself Permission to Rest

Self-compassion isn’t just about what you say to yourself—it’s also about what you allow yourself to do. And sometimes, the kindest thing you can do is rest.

If you’re exhausted, let yourself take a break—without guilt. If your brain’s foggy, don’t force yourself to push through. Your worth isn’t based on how productive you are.

Being kind to yourself means recognising when you need a breather, and actually taking it.

Final Thought:

Self-compassion isn’t about being perfect or having it all together. It’s about giving yourself the same kindness and understanding that you’d offer to anyone else. The trick is being able to catch yourself doing it. And the next time you do catch yourself being hard on yourself, pause. Take a breath. And remind yourself: I’m doing my best, and that’s enough. 

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