This Is Not The End

Don’t give up hope my friend, this is not the end. – Bring Me The Horizon

Heads Above The Waves is all about speaking honestly and openly, and so I wanted this post, on World Suicide Prevention Day, to continue on with that.

I once reached a point where I was ready to take my own life.

Even writing that is something of a big deal for me – I’m getting far more open with talking about self-harm, but that darkest day is something that very very few people know about.
So why am I saying it then? What’s the purpose of exposing myself and making my darkest secret public?

It’s to let you know that if you’ve ever felt like no-one else understands what you’re going through, you’re not the only one. To let you know that if you can’t see a way out from the seemingly hopeless situation you’re in, it can get better. To let you know that if it feels like no-one cares, that’s not the case.

The irony is, as I was sat on that rooftop, some 6 years ago, I was listening to ‘Suicide Season’ by Bring Me the Horizon. And rather than finding a nihilistic message, I found this lyric:

Don’t give up hope, my friend, this is not the end.

It’s not the end. There’s more to your story that needs to be written. There’s things waiting to happen to you that are going to change your life in ways that you didn’t even dream of. There’s more of a positive impact you need to have on other people’s lives. There’s all the good stuff waiting for you, that will come with time, and won’t necessarily be easy to get to. You might have to go through hell, and it might last for what feels like forever, but it won’t last forever. The storm will pass.

I reached my lowest point just before I moved away to uni. I might have given up on hope, but that wasn’t the end. That was when I moved to uni and my life changed so much. And since then, Heads Above The Waves has happened, and all the negative stuff from the past is actually forming the basis of a message to you: Don’t give up hope my friend. This is not the end.

See the truth is, it’s real easy to get all worked up into a negative headspace where you’re not thinking clearly. And you can become your own worst enemy pretty quickly. I’m guilty of lowering my self-esteem. I convince myself that I’m worthless. When I stop and actually think about things logically, I know that I’m not. But in the heat of the moment, I can get so worked up and adamant that nothing I do is any good. I don’t know if you’ve ever felt the same, but that’s where I’m coming from.

On that day 6 years ago or so, I managed to convince myself of that more than ever. I wasn’t talking about what I was feeling, or how it was affecting me (maybe I felt like I couldn’t), and I can’t help but feeling that just stopping to talk through everything would’ve caused me to actually rationalise and think logically; to see that no-one was actually putting me down as much as me.
This is where the Samaritans are awesome. They’re there to just LISTEN. They’re other human beings on the end of a phone, and they’re there exclusively for you to unload to, to bitch and moan at, to cry at, to be a freakin’ complex human being with wants and needs, and they understand that. But they’re not the only ones who understand that.

It’s surprising how often we forget to actually really ask how people are doing. A very British thing we do is to greet someone with “alright?” the answer to which is pretty consistently “alright”, and that’s it. Fellas, we’re probably the most guilty of this. C.A.L.M. (Campaign Against Living Miserably) is an awesome resource & helpline for men dealing with issues around self-harm, depression, and suicide.

And heck, there’s a whole host of other helplines and people who are specifically there for YOU. Find one that you like the sound of – There’s a whole list of ‘em HERE.

Organisations that get set up, including Heads Above The Waves, have been set up because you’re worth it. If the work that we’re doing with HATW, or that any of the helplines, websites, and services that exist, helps you (yes, YOU.) realise how much of a difference you make just by being you, or helps you realise that it can get better, and that there IS hope, well, then it’s all worth it.

So here’s my challenge to you, not just on world suicide prevention day, but every day: if you’re feeling down, and feel hopeless, reach out to someone who gets you. That could be a friend, a family member, a teacher, a colleague, or even a helpline. Just talk about what you’re experiencing.

And if you know someone who’s having a hard time with life right now, reach out to them. Pick up the phone and call them. Check in on how they’re doing – how they’re REALLY doing (obviously, don’t harass them..) and make the effort to spend time with them and show them how much they mean to you.

Don’t give up hope my friend. This is not the end.

– Si