School Is So Hard

School is so hard. Like, really hard.

Not only do you have to sit in classes, do homework, take exams that decide your future and pick subjects that are supposed to shape your life when you don’t even know what you really want to do yet… You also have to fit in, make friends, keep those friends and keep your head together. It’s exhausting just thinking about it.

Like so many, many people I had a terrible time in school. I liked to be different. I hadn’t grown up with everyone else or been best mates since birth like a lot of the people in the small town I moved to at the start of year 7. I liked different music to everyone else, I liked to colour my hair pink or green and this, coupled with my confidence and intelligence, made me a target.

People didn’t like that I was different and I got bullied really badly. Break and lunch times were filled with fear of what people would shout at me, what they would do to me and how I would feel about myself by the end of it. When I was in the class room I felt safe to an extent, and could just keep my head down or sit with friendly faces that would stick up for me if anyone had a go. As soon as the bell went and I was out into the corridor, and that’s when the nightmare would begin. People would call me stupid names, but they did it so much that I started to believe what they said. I started to feel so low, every day coming home in tears just desperate for a hug from my mum and dad. I hated going to school. And felt sick thinking about what a battle it would be every day. I started to hate myself, and feel really negatively towards everything in my life.

At this point I didn’t turn to self-harm – but so many of my friends and people in different year groups did. It used to make me feel so hopeless that because people were a bit different or didn’t conform to other people’s standards of likeability that they were shunned and beaten by people who were essentially children. It made me sad that people didn’t want to get on, didn’t want to accept and understand their peers and didn’t want everyone to be safe and happy in school.

The bullying I experienced went on for years and escalated when a few friends moved away and I felt even more alone. I had a knife pulled on me on the school bus one day and some of my hair cut off the next week. I really hit rock bottom and felt so depressed, alone and empty. I was exhausted by fear and anger that this was happening to me. When I or my parents spoke out to the school about what was going on there was never really any action taken to stop the bullying or protect me.

In the end I felt so unsafe and unhappy that my parents decided to take me out of school and send me to a college which was an hour’s journey away from my house. The college didn’t even cover all my subjects so I ended up having to pay to do a night school too to finish my A-levels also. This sucked and I was frustrated we had to go down that path but I was immediately happier and felt like I could be myself finally. I knew some people at college, the classes were more relaxed with a variety of age groups studying and the lecturers treated everyone fairly and with understanding and respect.

Even 11 years on from leaving school I’m still struggling with feeling like I’m worthless, and I’m still trying to overcome my negative thought patterns that lead to my self-destructive behaviours. I know my decision was right and it’s what I needed to do to get away from the bullying. I do feel sad that my school didn’t do more and that those really important teenage years in my life were marred my cruel people scaring me and being horrible to me. I look back at that time now and I realise I was so much braver and stronger than I could have possibly realised. If I had only really stood up for myself and made the school hear what I was going through maybe things would have been better for me, and there would be things in place in the school now for students after me who go through bulling. I was definitely victimised in school but I refuse to see myself as a victim. By moving away from the situation I gave myself a chance at sorting everything out and being free from all the hatred in school. It was right and I had to make myself safe. I only wish I had done it sooner! No one should put up with bullying that affects them physically or mentallythrough their self-esteem and wellbeing. It’s not always feasible to do what I did and to leave school, but it is always possible to speak out and make the changes in your life.

If you’re going through these things in school here are a few suggestions of how to cope with it:

• Tell someone like a friend, your parents, or a teacher. If one teacher doesn’t listen or resolve things satisfactorily, tell another and another until your voice is heard. Talk to anyone and everyone who will listen.
• Ask if there’s a class room or safe area in the school you can go to at break times with some friends if you ever feel like you are having problems when you aren’t in a classroom. Avoid the bully as much as you can and use the buddy- system (make sure you always have a friend with you so you aren’t alone).
• Get the school to understand and make sure that you’re satisfied with the outcome. If you aren’t speak up. I know that my parents would have not just taken it up with the school but also with the PTA or school board so that action was taken.
• Encourage an anti-bullying campaign or initiative to be put in place in your school. Share your experiences, talk about it and don’t bottle it up.
• Never retaliate. It just lowers you to the bully’s level and I guarantee it won’t make you feel better and will more than likely not stop them from bullying you. Be brave, walk away and ignore the bully.

Try not to take what bullies do and say to you to heart (I know this is easier said than done). Remember that you aren’t alone. So many people go through this; even celebrities like Rhianna, Justin Timberlake, Kate Middleton, Jennifer Lawrence, and even Jackie Chan were all bullied really badly at school! And look where they are now! If they can survive it and come out even stronger, then so can you.

I may still be hurting from everything I went through. But at least I’m living.

– Hannah