Rachel

I was 12 the first time I felt like I had no way out. It slowly escalated from there until I was 15 and self harming. I was outed as bisexual by someone I thought was my friend. I was bullied for 2 years after that and it never really got easier until I moved schools for sixth form. I felt completely alone and like no one understood. My real problem was my low mood and suicidal thoughts.

My form of self harm wasn’t ‘conventional’. I would scratch my wrists and hands and that helped to distract me. I was too scared to do anything else but I did try to kill myself 3 times in those 3 years. I needed help. I still think about it but it’s gotten easier. I found Heads Above The Waves at Merthyr Rock and just hearing Si’s story made me want to cry because it was so close to my own and it made me realise that I wasn’t as alone as I thought I was.

Music has helped me a lot. Listening to it and singing meant that I never felt alone. Someone had felt how I felt now and they’d written songs that I could relate to, that I could use to get through. I still sometimes scratch my hands but I’ve found an alternative – I run cold water over my wrists. It really helps because it still distracts from my feelings but I’m not hurting myself. I found a list of alternatives because I wanted to change. There’s lots on the internet if you want to find help. I also write things down. Getting things out of me and into something I can close and lock away really helped me. I didn’t have to keep everything bottled inside me anymore.

These two methods work better than self harm because they still give a sensation and a distraction. They still give you a way out of the pain without hurting yourself. I’ve just finished my first year at university and things haven’t been easy moving so far from home but whenever I feel down, I write things down, I listen to my music and I run the water over my hands. But most of all, I got help. There’s always people who will listen to you, who you can vent to. Parents, teachers, doctors, counsellors, friends, people on the internet. You can get help! And it does get better.

– Rachel