Jo

When I think back to how it started, I find it hard to fathom the how and the why. I was young: just 16 the very first time I self-harmed. I had been suffering with issues of depression and anxiety since my early teens, and my parents had sought help from our GP and the local community mental health team. At 19, I was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder.

I remember how it felt like a release of pressure. The anxiety would build and build and it felt like the world was ending inside my head. Once I harmed, I would feel a sense of relief and release. However, it would never last: the guilt and the shame would wash back in and the cycle of anxiety would begin again. I struggled with self-harm through my late teens and my twenties. I stopped entirely five years ago.

I wanted to stop for a very, very long time. Each time it happened I would tell myself ‘never again’, but I would inevitably find myself overwhelmed by my anxiety and unable to cope. Over the years I tried any number of things to help me stop: CBT, holding on to ice cubes when the urge came, colouring in, meditating…each thing would work for a while, but it never lasted. What really made a huge difference to me was finding roller derby, and my own identity as an athlete.

When I found Tiger Bay Brawlers, I couldn’t skate. I wasn’t sporty at all: my only attempts at exercise were some half-hearted sessions on an elliptical trainer at the gym and the thought of picking up the weights terrified me. I was not a natural in the slightest. I learned painfully slowly: I was one of the last to pass my minimum skills, I was one of the last to bout. I fell a lot (I still do!), but there was something about it that kept me coming back. My team are the most amazing and supportive group of women I’ve ever known. When I’ve needed to take a step away because of my mental health, they’ve been compassionate and understanding.

Through getting fitter to play better, I discovered a love of the weights room. Turns out I really like lifting heavy stuff up and putting it down again. For the days when I’m anxious and tense, lifting gives me a focus that has done more for me than meditation. The sense of accomplishment that comes with being able to pick more than your own body weight up off the floor can’t be underestimated!

– Jo