I was born in France, in a small town. In a family who doesn’t communicate a lot and where it was almost forbidden to speak and to share how our day was. My parents got separated when I was 7 years old and my mother met someone else. We quickly started to live at my step father’s house. I can’t say we were getting along well. We didn’t talk much. I had an education based on the fact that you have to work to deserve, that you must have a reason for being happy and that you must always be productive.
As far as I remember, I’ve always been into rock music. I felt like the songs just understand me; expressed my suffering as I wasn’t able to do so. Since no-one told me that being happy is a right, I was constantly feeling sad. And since I wasn’t allowed to share it at home, I started to turn my anger and sadness against myself. As a catharsis I started writing, but since it wasn’t enough to get all the sadness out, I started cutting myself. It was like finding a way to let the emotions all come out. Additionally, I used to take pills, randomly, anything I could find in the cupboards. I had negative thoughts, voices in my head telling me I was not enough, unworthy to live, unlovable etc. I had suicidal thoughts coming up every day, and was hiding in my room listening to dark music, not even willing to take all of this out since it was what was defining me.
This went on from 13 to 16 years old. Luckily, I had good friends. They were my heart family. Not being loved has actually helped me to love people even more. We were all encouraging each other to get better. The cutting stopped at some point, I started to smoke, another kind of self-harm in some way. It was just a replacement. I was waiting for the day I would finally leave my parent’s house and live my own life. I didn’t feel like I belonged to myself back then. I was completely disconnected from my body. I have been overweight since childhood, but it was getting worse over time until I reached 100 kg around 18 years old. I now can say that this was my subconscious way of “being seen”, to “take a place”. To exist, at least.
After I graduated, I moved to Paris to follow my dream of becoming a director. Life became easier as I set myself free and was in the playground of the world. I met new people, including my boyfriend who turned out to be alcoholic, drug addicted and violent. I starting to take anti-depressants and I didn’t even notice that I couldn’t feel anything anymore. It took me two years to get myself out of this toxic relationship. The following year was one of the hardest since I started to have social anxiety (being unable to get outside), and depressive mood all the time. I couldn’t find any sense for my existence and wanted to end my life over and over again.
And, finally, I made the choice that probably saved me: I started to see a psychiatrist. I got very lucky since he was one of those doctors that doesn’t like meds and wants to get you out of this influence. I started to get better. After a year I managed to stop taking meds. It was hard at first, but I was only recovering from years of not feeling anything. I moved in with one of my best friends and started to take really care of myself. I was fed up of feeling bad everyday. I starting to get interested by alternative medicine, the energies, the impact of plants, music and other holistic therapy techniques.
I met a guy who became my second boyfriend and he was always so positive, ready to take action towards his goals, happy to live. I fell completely for him and his way of thinking. I learnt a lot by being on his side, even though the relationship didn’t go well, sometimes you just meet people because you have something to learn from them or for yourself.
I finally ended it up. It took me a while, a lot of moody days, but retrospectively I regret nothing. On the bright side, it helped me become who I am now. I started to take really good care of myself. I lost 35 kg in 8 months just by changing my diet to what was good for me. I became more feminine, positive and brighter. I started to feel grateful for all I had. I quit my studies and job in marketing and started working as an energetic therapist. I now help people to get out of all the traumas of their past and to reconnect with their true self. Because I think that it is important to raise awareness about it, and to help everyone to enjoy life.
I just needed to learn and know that it is possible to wake up every morning feeling grateful for who we are and happy for what we have. It took me the willingness to get rid of bad thoughts and self-destructive behaviour. I am not saying that it is like this every day, I still struggle sometimes. But becoming aware of who I am and responsible for what I feel saved me. I no longer accept to be treated badly, I no longer let myself drown into negativity just because I believe in the story I created and all the bad voices that come with it. I find inner peace and happiness in details. And when bad shows up, I just let it go by telling myself that it will pass. Cause it will, always. It takes willingness, self-love and curiosity. But that comes, when we are ready.